Somewhere, as I write this, there is a couple that knows they don't have a future together and yet they continue the act. Whether it's for the sake of being with someone or the fear of losing something you have grown comfortable with is irrelevant.
As a relationship professional* I have a theory on why this happens. It is a scientific fact that when you begin a relationship everything is perfect. It's like the your brain has the mud butt and just releases all the serotonin it would have used over the next seven years. You go through the motions and eventually you figure out you don't really like who this other person is. You can only hide who you are for so long and that is why I am going to go ahead and list out the characteristics that make me Muden. As a relationship professional* I am positive that this is a good idea.
10. I am not a fighter.
If the shit hits the fan and we find ourselves in a situation where I have to get physical... I hope you are not afraid to get physical because chances are I'm going to try to hug the guy in an attempt to smooth over any hard feelings. Now I know that sounds bad but women like a man who is mature enough to stay out of jail. I consider this a pretty good trait. As a side note I have to add that I WILL fight if the other guy is smaller than you and white.
9. I will never be that guy who just wants a sandwich and sex.
I like to eat until I'm miserable and I hate food and you for giving it to me. I cannot plan out my dietary day because it's just chaos. Just eating and shitting all day at random times whenever the mood strikes. I can eat a full meal and be disgusted with myself only to turn around five minutes later and eat a Jimmy John because if I was not full and hateful at the moment that sandwich would be delicious. There are kids in Botswana who would do anything for that sandwich so who am I to let it go to waste.
8. I am not a planner.
Everyday when I wake up I do a mental to-do list and get to it. Everyday, like clockwork, I get about halfway through my list, say "fuck it" and end up playing video games until someone calls me four hours later and then I claim to be doing "work" even though I have been on winter break for three weeks and I only work on weekends.
7. I am passionate about what I say.
When I say something I mean it. If I tell someone to do something I expect it to be done. So when my 2 year old niece wants to talk shit you can fully expect to find me calling her a heathen because anyone who will eat off of my plate and tell me we are not friends because I prefer Diego over Dorah is going to get cussed out. That's all I'm sayin. Diego is real.
6. I am an expert on anything you want me to be an expert about.
A long time ago I decided that women want a man who can converse with her about anything. Carrying that knowledge with me I have formed an amazing ability to bullshit my way through ANYTHING. I will draw parallels between things that are so amazing nothing alike that you will question your own logic. When employers ask me what my worst quality is I walk out with their job. I'm that good. \
5. I am so loyal that I am paranoid.
I have convinced myself that you have installed spy cameras in everything we own. I will put all my pencils in a drawer before picking my nose because I don't know what's in the eraser. You know what, let me rephrase that. YOU have convinced me that you have installed spy cameras in everything we own. I should just change the title on this one to "I am trained."
6. I am trained.
I was raised by women and have mostly female friends. I am fully aware that if I don't wash my dishes I will get stabbed while I sleep. I know I will never win an argument and I am ok with that. When I am single an argument with someone random could get physical and then I might have to hug a bum over some Rolaids. I would rather have no hope than get bum AIDS.
5. I am easily tricked.
I have no concept of time as long as there is a chance that I might get to touch your boobs at some point during the night. You want to finish doing your hair and I am asking if you are ready yet? Just do that thing where you push up your boobs and blow me a kiss. I'll be on the couch for the next three hours with my hands in my lap swinging my legs singing the "I get to touch them!" song.
4. I am a hopeless romantic.
I know women like romantic comedies and you always make those cooing noises when the guy finally gets the girl. Logically, if I can replicate this in my life I will always get the girl. It makes sense on so many levels. That being said, I will absolutely never get all weird and serious on you. Not until an hour and a half into the night anyway. I will also try to accidentally take medicine I know I am allergic to so that you have to care for me on your couch and then we have that moment where you ask me if I have to tell the truth and I say yes and you ask me something deep and I say the right thing and then you love me forever.
3. I am not capable of yelling at the woman I love.
See number ten.
2. I know you just want me to listen.
When you come to me with a problem I know you just want me to listen and sympathize with you. I know you want me to take your side no matter what I and I know that when you say "I hate that trick!" what you mean is "We hate that trick!" I don't need to control who I like and don't like anymore, I already tricked you into sleeping with me. I have achieved everything I needed to achieve by having a social life. Also, as a man I genuinely have no idea how to fix anything that doesn't require a screw driver and/or a hammer.
1. I will never be grossed out by you.
If you do it, I can assure that I have done worse. When I decide to open the sunroof while we are driving it's not because it's such a nice day out. I know it's going to mess up your hair. I just sat on the couch for three hours why the hell would I mess up my whole operation? Use your head woman, I just farted. It happens all the time and every time it happens I have to make a life or death decision. I don't refuse to take romantic baths with you because I'm taller than the average guy. It's because if some misplaced bubbles were to appear you would be less inclined to let me touch the boobs.
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