So none of us won the lottery. I use the word "us" because the only people who ever win the lottery live in trailers with 30 cats and never use shampoo. I will probably never meet any of you but I like to think that this applies to no one I know.
So I did what anyone would expect me to do. I wrote a letter to the Executive Director of the Texas Lottery Commission, Gary Grief.
Dear Gary Grief,
My name is Muden Siddiqui and like you, I have a funny last name. Now that we have established a common ground I would like to report a major error made by your people on Friday March 30th in the year of our lord, 2012.
Now Gary, I am not a snitch. I am an honest person with high values and solid morals but I am not a snitch. So when I tell you that your people made a grave error that has effected my life I want you to understand that it is only because my car needs new shocks. Do you know how expensive BMW parts are Gary? Let me give you a hint. I can't afford them.
We had a deal Gary. I elect you into office, pay taxes that pay your bills, buy you a house and in return you give me a lot of money and hold me accountable for none of the ignorant things I do with it. Well you guys not only failed to call out some of my numbers on March 30th Gary, you guys failed to call out ANY of them. I was absolutely dumbfounded by this breakdown in the basic fundamentals in business architecture. I pay for a service and you provide that service. What kind of idiot pays for numbers that I can make myself using only a pen and a dirty receipt that has been in my car for five years? They weren't even fancy numbers that I received. There were no exponents, no radicals, not even a lousy quadratic equation to make me feel good about myself.
I do not mean to vent Gary, but if we are going to be friends you need to understand how frustrated I am and how crappy my cars suspension is.
I am willing to accept an apology amount of $5,685 and two coupons for Burger King. This will cover my suspension job and maybe get me laid. Thanks Gary, I knew I could count on you.
Your friend and supporter,
Muden Siddiqui
Phone: ******
EMail: ******
I hope Gary responds. I also sent a letter to BMW asking if they do pro-bono work and another letter to Obama asking if he has any hawt cousins.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
My Personality Traits!
Somewhere, as I write this, there is a couple that knows they don't have a future together and yet they continue the act. Whether it's for the sake of being with someone or the fear of losing something you have grown comfortable with is irrelevant.
As a relationship professional* I have a theory on why this happens. It is a scientific fact that when you begin a relationship everything is perfect. It's like the your brain has the mud butt and just releases all the serotonin it would have used over the next seven years. You go through the motions and eventually you figure out you don't really like who this other person is. You can only hide who you are for so long and that is why I am going to go ahead and list out the characteristics that make me Muden. As a relationship professional* I am positive that this is a good idea.
10. I am not a fighter.
If the shit hits the fan and we find ourselves in a situation where I have to get physical... I hope you are not afraid to get physical because chances are I'm going to try to hug the guy in an attempt to smooth over any hard feelings. Now I know that sounds bad but women like a man who is mature enough to stay out of jail. I consider this a pretty good trait. As a side note I have to add that I WILL fight if the other guy is smaller than you and white.
9. I will never be that guy who just wants a sandwich and sex.
I like to eat until I'm miserable and I hate food and you for giving it to me. I cannot plan out my dietary day because it's just chaos. Just eating and shitting all day at random times whenever the mood strikes. I can eat a full meal and be disgusted with myself only to turn around five minutes later and eat a Jimmy John because if I was not full and hateful at the moment that sandwich would be delicious. There are kids in Botswana who would do anything for that sandwich so who am I to let it go to waste.
8. I am not a planner.
Everyday when I wake up I do a mental to-do list and get to it. Everyday, like clockwork, I get about halfway through my list, say "fuck it" and end up playing video games until someone calls me four hours later and then I claim to be doing "work" even though I have been on winter break for three weeks and I only work on weekends.
7. I am passionate about what I say.
When I say something I mean it. If I tell someone to do something I expect it to be done. So when my 2 year old niece wants to talk shit you can fully expect to find me calling her a heathen because anyone who will eat off of my plate and tell me we are not friends because I prefer Diego over Dorah is going to get cussed out. That's all I'm sayin. Diego is real.
6. I am an expert on anything you want me to be an expert about.
A long time ago I decided that women want a man who can converse with her about anything. Carrying that knowledge with me I have formed an amazing ability to bullshit my way through ANYTHING. I will draw parallels between things that are so amazing nothing alike that you will question your own logic. When employers ask me what my worst quality is I walk out with their job. I'm that good. \
5. I am so loyal that I am paranoid.
I have convinced myself that you have installed spy cameras in everything we own. I will put all my pencils in a drawer before picking my nose because I don't know what's in the eraser. You know what, let me rephrase that. YOU have convinced me that you have installed spy cameras in everything we own. I should just change the title on this one to "I am trained."
6. I am trained.
I was raised by women and have mostly female friends. I am fully aware that if I don't wash my dishes I will get stabbed while I sleep. I know I will never win an argument and I am ok with that. When I am single an argument with someone random could get physical and then I might have to hug a bum over some Rolaids. I would rather have no hope than get bum AIDS.
5. I am easily tricked.
I have no concept of time as long as there is a chance that I might get to touch your boobs at some point during the night. You want to finish doing your hair and I am asking if you are ready yet? Just do that thing where you push up your boobs and blow me a kiss. I'll be on the couch for the next three hours with my hands in my lap swinging my legs singing the "I get to touch them!" song.
4. I am a hopeless romantic.
I know women like romantic comedies and you always make those cooing noises when the guy finally gets the girl. Logically, if I can replicate this in my life I will always get the girl. It makes sense on so many levels. That being said, I will absolutely never get all weird and serious on you. Not until an hour and a half into the night anyway. I will also try to accidentally take medicine I know I am allergic to so that you have to care for me on your couch and then we have that moment where you ask me if I have to tell the truth and I say yes and you ask me something deep and I say the right thing and then you love me forever.
3. I am not capable of yelling at the woman I love.
See number ten.
2. I know you just want me to listen.
When you come to me with a problem I know you just want me to listen and sympathize with you. I know you want me to take your side no matter what I and I know that when you say "I hate that trick!" what you mean is "We hate that trick!" I don't need to control who I like and don't like anymore, I already tricked you into sleeping with me. I have achieved everything I needed to achieve by having a social life. Also, as a man I genuinely have no idea how to fix anything that doesn't require a screw driver and/or a hammer.
1. I will never be grossed out by you.
If you do it, I can assure that I have done worse. When I decide to open the sunroof while we are driving it's not because it's such a nice day out. I know it's going to mess up your hair. I just sat on the couch for three hours why the hell would I mess up my whole operation? Use your head woman, I just farted. It happens all the time and every time it happens I have to make a life or death decision. I don't refuse to take romantic baths with you because I'm taller than the average guy. It's because if some misplaced bubbles were to appear you would be less inclined to let me touch the boobs.
As a relationship professional* I have a theory on why this happens. It is a scientific fact that when you begin a relationship everything is perfect. It's like the your brain has the mud butt and just releases all the serotonin it would have used over the next seven years. You go through the motions and eventually you figure out you don't really like who this other person is. You can only hide who you are for so long and that is why I am going to go ahead and list out the characteristics that make me Muden. As a relationship professional* I am positive that this is a good idea.
10. I am not a fighter.
If the shit hits the fan and we find ourselves in a situation where I have to get physical... I hope you are not afraid to get physical because chances are I'm going to try to hug the guy in an attempt to smooth over any hard feelings. Now I know that sounds bad but women like a man who is mature enough to stay out of jail. I consider this a pretty good trait. As a side note I have to add that I WILL fight if the other guy is smaller than you and white.
9. I will never be that guy who just wants a sandwich and sex.
I like to eat until I'm miserable and I hate food and you for giving it to me. I cannot plan out my dietary day because it's just chaos. Just eating and shitting all day at random times whenever the mood strikes. I can eat a full meal and be disgusted with myself only to turn around five minutes later and eat a Jimmy John because if I was not full and hateful at the moment that sandwich would be delicious. There are kids in Botswana who would do anything for that sandwich so who am I to let it go to waste.
8. I am not a planner.
Everyday when I wake up I do a mental to-do list and get to it. Everyday, like clockwork, I get about halfway through my list, say "fuck it" and end up playing video games until someone calls me four hours later and then I claim to be doing "work" even though I have been on winter break for three weeks and I only work on weekends.
7. I am passionate about what I say.
When I say something I mean it. If I tell someone to do something I expect it to be done. So when my 2 year old niece wants to talk shit you can fully expect to find me calling her a heathen because anyone who will eat off of my plate and tell me we are not friends because I prefer Diego over Dorah is going to get cussed out. That's all I'm sayin. Diego is real.
6. I am an expert on anything you want me to be an expert about.
A long time ago I decided that women want a man who can converse with her about anything. Carrying that knowledge with me I have formed an amazing ability to bullshit my way through ANYTHING. I will draw parallels between things that are so amazing nothing alike that you will question your own logic. When employers ask me what my worst quality is I walk out with their job. I'm that good. \
5. I am so loyal that I am paranoid.
I have convinced myself that you have installed spy cameras in everything we own. I will put all my pencils in a drawer before picking my nose because I don't know what's in the eraser. You know what, let me rephrase that. YOU have convinced me that you have installed spy cameras in everything we own. I should just change the title on this one to "I am trained."
6. I am trained.
I was raised by women and have mostly female friends. I am fully aware that if I don't wash my dishes I will get stabbed while I sleep. I know I will never win an argument and I am ok with that. When I am single an argument with someone random could get physical and then I might have to hug a bum over some Rolaids. I would rather have no hope than get bum AIDS.
5. I am easily tricked.
I have no concept of time as long as there is a chance that I might get to touch your boobs at some point during the night. You want to finish doing your hair and I am asking if you are ready yet? Just do that thing where you push up your boobs and blow me a kiss. I'll be on the couch for the next three hours with my hands in my lap swinging my legs singing the "I get to touch them!" song.
4. I am a hopeless romantic.
I know women like romantic comedies and you always make those cooing noises when the guy finally gets the girl. Logically, if I can replicate this in my life I will always get the girl. It makes sense on so many levels. That being said, I will absolutely never get all weird and serious on you. Not until an hour and a half into the night anyway. I will also try to accidentally take medicine I know I am allergic to so that you have to care for me on your couch and then we have that moment where you ask me if I have to tell the truth and I say yes and you ask me something deep and I say the right thing and then you love me forever.
3. I am not capable of yelling at the woman I love.
See number ten.
2. I know you just want me to listen.
When you come to me with a problem I know you just want me to listen and sympathize with you. I know you want me to take your side no matter what I and I know that when you say "I hate that trick!" what you mean is "We hate that trick!" I don't need to control who I like and don't like anymore, I already tricked you into sleeping with me. I have achieved everything I needed to achieve by having a social life. Also, as a man I genuinely have no idea how to fix anything that doesn't require a screw driver and/or a hammer.
1. I will never be grossed out by you.
If you do it, I can assure that I have done worse. When I decide to open the sunroof while we are driving it's not because it's such a nice day out. I know it's going to mess up your hair. I just sat on the couch for three hours why the hell would I mess up my whole operation? Use your head woman, I just farted. It happens all the time and every time it happens I have to make a life or death decision. I don't refuse to take romantic baths with you because I'm taller than the average guy. It's because if some misplaced bubbles were to appear you would be less inclined to let me touch the boobs.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I Would Pee On Them Too.
Four marines peed on the bodies of three dead Taliban soldiers.
Naturally this threw the world into an uproar.
It wasn't because the Taliban likes to send us movies of our captured soldiers having their heads sawed off slowly. It wasn't because after being bailed out of the crater left by the recession we are right back where we started. It wasn't because someone hit my car with their stupid remedial inbred door.
It was because four Marines peed on the dead bodies of three members of a militia who want nothing more than to destroy anyone with white skin who eats pork.
And while that is a generalization the likes of which you have never seen, it's not even the point.
What I am saying is who the hell are you to judge what they did? Who are you in your Mercedes Benz and your size 56 pants stuffing chocolate cupcakes into your fat fucking face while these guys are purposely stranded in a hostile environment where not even the camels want to be friends and every time they blink they lose someone they called a friend to some uneducated half wit religious freak who doesn't know enough about anything to realize that he is in fact the bad guy to EVERYONE in the world but his little circle of pathetic heathen two tooth having cave dwellers?
And what about the code of ethics that is taught to all of our service men and women? What about the guy next to you RIGHT NOW who picks his nose and wipes it on his shirt while watching Star Trek reruns until 3 in the morning. What about the lady across the room who has fucked so many guys she is giving serious thought to going on one of those talk shows where she just rolls a big ass wheel and whoever it lands on gets to be the "baby daddy?" Somewhere in Vegas right now there is a guy peeing on another guy who is masturbating while watching a lizard eat three grapes out of a WD-40 can top. What about that guy? With an active roster of more than 3.1 million members I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that not every one of our enlisted soldiers is a chivalric knight just waiting for his or her chance to save a damsel in distress.
As for what would posses a human being to do something like that, I suppose there are a number of explanations. Maybe they were bored because all of their friends were systematically killed by the very people they are now peeing on. Maybe that's why they said fuck it and whipped out the junior Marine squadron. Maybe they had loved ones in New York on 9/11. Maybe they watched those men plant explosives on a young child only to send them into a crowded market. And then maybe they are just some good ol boy hillbilly card carrying members of the NRA from West Virginia who joined the Marines for no reason other than to pee on some A-rabs. Any one of those work I'm sure.
So the story hits the media and of course talk radio blows it up because what the fuck else do they really have to talk about aside from Romney and how much Obama has raised in campaign funds. Caller after caller expresses how peeing on someone is wrong and those Marines need to punished. Thank FUCKING God we have these ethical experts on hand to clear up that moral quandary for me. I had to call a few friends to find out if I should be peeing on people or not. And you want to punish the Marines? Sure. No problem. YOU GO TAKE THEIR PLACE IN THE DESERT WITH AKBAR TAKING POT SHOTS AT YOUR FACE WITH A GUN YOU PROBABLY SOLD HIM 30 YEARS AGO WHILE THEY SIT IN JAIL ESSENTIALLY DOING WHAT WE ALL WOULD HAVE DONE ASSHOLE.
I do not condone peeing on another human being. I am not saying they had every right to so. I AM saying that if someone was trying to kill me and I got them first... I may pee on them too. Hell I would probably pee on a guy for cutting me off in traffic. Whatever the reason they had, it happened and we need to move on. Instead we have these big wig politicians roaring and bellowing into the American public demanding justice. How about you focus on not banging little boys from Thailand and then we can talk about whether or not you are qualified to judge these four young men who are fighting your war for you.
Naturally this threw the world into an uproar.
It wasn't because the Taliban likes to send us movies of our captured soldiers having their heads sawed off slowly. It wasn't because after being bailed out of the crater left by the recession we are right back where we started. It wasn't because someone hit my car with their stupid remedial inbred door.
It was because four Marines peed on the dead bodies of three members of a militia who want nothing more than to destroy anyone with white skin who eats pork.
And while that is a generalization the likes of which you have never seen, it's not even the point.
What I am saying is who the hell are you to judge what they did? Who are you in your Mercedes Benz and your size 56 pants stuffing chocolate cupcakes into your fat fucking face while these guys are purposely stranded in a hostile environment where not even the camels want to be friends and every time they blink they lose someone they called a friend to some uneducated half wit religious freak who doesn't know enough about anything to realize that he is in fact the bad guy to EVERYONE in the world but his little circle of pathetic heathen two tooth having cave dwellers?
And what about the code of ethics that is taught to all of our service men and women? What about the guy next to you RIGHT NOW who picks his nose and wipes it on his shirt while watching Star Trek reruns until 3 in the morning. What about the lady across the room who has fucked so many guys she is giving serious thought to going on one of those talk shows where she just rolls a big ass wheel and whoever it lands on gets to be the "baby daddy?" Somewhere in Vegas right now there is a guy peeing on another guy who is masturbating while watching a lizard eat three grapes out of a WD-40 can top. What about that guy? With an active roster of more than 3.1 million members I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that not every one of our enlisted soldiers is a chivalric knight just waiting for his or her chance to save a damsel in distress.
As for what would posses a human being to do something like that, I suppose there are a number of explanations. Maybe they were bored because all of their friends were systematically killed by the very people they are now peeing on. Maybe that's why they said fuck it and whipped out the junior Marine squadron. Maybe they had loved ones in New York on 9/11. Maybe they watched those men plant explosives on a young child only to send them into a crowded market. And then maybe they are just some good ol boy hillbilly card carrying members of the NRA from West Virginia who joined the Marines for no reason other than to pee on some A-rabs. Any one of those work I'm sure.
So the story hits the media and of course talk radio blows it up because what the fuck else do they really have to talk about aside from Romney and how much Obama has raised in campaign funds. Caller after caller expresses how peeing on someone is wrong and those Marines need to punished. Thank FUCKING God we have these ethical experts on hand to clear up that moral quandary for me. I had to call a few friends to find out if I should be peeing on people or not. And you want to punish the Marines? Sure. No problem. YOU GO TAKE THEIR PLACE IN THE DESERT WITH AKBAR TAKING POT SHOTS AT YOUR FACE WITH A GUN YOU PROBABLY SOLD HIM 30 YEARS AGO WHILE THEY SIT IN JAIL ESSENTIALLY DOING WHAT WE ALL WOULD HAVE DONE ASSHOLE.
I do not condone peeing on another human being. I am not saying they had every right to so. I AM saying that if someone was trying to kill me and I got them first... I may pee on them too. Hell I would probably pee on a guy for cutting me off in traffic. Whatever the reason they had, it happened and we need to move on. Instead we have these big wig politicians roaring and bellowing into the American public demanding justice. How about you focus on not banging little boys from Thailand and then we can talk about whether or not you are qualified to judge these four young men who are fighting your war for you.
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