Stupid Is Winning.

The stupid people are out-breeding the smart people by like 200 to 1 and it is going to take a natural fucking disaster of Biblical proportions to even the odds.

Let me explain how I got there.

To some degree, anyone who can differentiate between there, their and they're is unfortunately smarter than most of THEIR peers. Consider that a freebie. Now try and keep up.

It is a tragic truth that stupidity and ignorance have become the societal norm in American culture. One cannot explain the synopsis of Jersey Shore without first viciously slamming their face into a wall to knock a few brain cells loose to ensure that no words containing more than 2 syllables are used. Anything involving anything remotely Kardashian? Pathetic. The Kei$sha, Drake, Beiber pop music scene? Idiotic. With the plethora of intellectual movies at our disposal I am simply dumbfounded that the horribly juvenile and Disney-ish Twilight Saga remains the king. Harry Potter has more substance and that's kind of sad. 

Harry Potter was written for children. Don't fight it. Just accept it. Twilight was written for preteen girls. If you are a guy and you like it, you are probably gay. Don't fight it. Just accept it.

Still with me? The paragraphs get big here. If you stop scrolling the mouse wheel it's kind of like a pause button for the internet. You're welcome.

With every passing conversation we are reminded that as someone who strives to achieve intellectual enlightenment we are the minority. When what starts out as a plan to visit an exhibit displaying the newest archaeological finds on subject X, Y or Z quickly deteriorates into, "Let's go watch airplanes fly in the sky!" it hurts in my soul. 

And none of this is disputed. For the most part everyone likes to think that they are decently intelligent. These are the same people who use "know" instead of "now" or "no" and end every other sentence with a misplaced dot dot dot. But that's not the point. Nobody wants to admit that they are slowly circling the drain into mental retardation and that's probably because most people don't know that "mental retardation" is not a derogatory term. That's like telling a stripper she made bad life choices. It's not an insult, it's just the way it is. 

So where do we lay the blame then? Surely in America we can find SOMEBODY to blame. The obvious first stop on the blame train is the educational system in our public schools. They would confute any arguments with standardized test scores and levels of extra curricular activity participation. Impressive enough. However these are the same schools that make you drive twenty miles per hour so that you don't run over the 14 year old crack fiends who barely pass English class while chewing on erasers. How the HELL do you almost fail your own language? How is that even possible? What other language could you possibly know that confused you so much that you couldn't even bullshit your way through a paper like everyone else? Unless your parents are crackerjack white and you can speak fluent Zimbabwean I have to wonder if the short bus was full that year. But back to the speed zones. They have to stop. If your child is 14 and has not figured out how not to get hit by a car it may be time to let Darwinism do its thing. Don't stand in front of things that are bigger than you when they are moving. How is that not obvious?

Do we lay the blame with the parents? I think it truly depends on the generation. Our generation grew up with imaginations and bloody knees. Playing outside was glorious and coming in for dinner was punishment. Now children are punished by being forced outside to interact with other children. Any chances of aliens discovering the ruins of our culture thousands of years from now and saying, "Hey wow these guys were pretty damn intellectual!" goes right out the window after my generation dies. There will be no authors. There will be no artists. There will be no composers. There will only be horrible hipster stick figure drawing self-diagnosed ADD having pill heads who carry a sense of self worth that is so falsely inflated it may have had everything to do with whatever catastrophic events ends our civilizations forever. Why? Because Stephen King has 126 NY Times best sellers and Kei$ha has more money. Fuck it. Because Stephen King has best sellers period. How the hell does an ugly ass chubby chick sing songs about how hot she is and nobody says anything but Kim Kardashian has a fake marriage and we flip the fuck out? Did you really think that was about love? Seriously? You kinda just proved my entire point.

We live in a time when having an intellectual debate on philosophy, history or science is "a rare treat" and for whatever reason we only date people who will never EVER be able to have a conversation like that with us. It's like we are genetically hardwired to only breed stupid from here on out and that's why I'm a big advocate of the avian flu. The stupid people are out-breeding the smart people by like 200 to 1 and it is going to take a natural fucking disaster of Biblical proportions to even the odds. Bring on the floods Moses, I'm smart enough to use parts of my fence as a boat. It's the guy next door who'll be wading chest deep in water holding an umbrella and taping straws to his kids noses so they can "breathe like elephants when they float on their backs" who you need to be focusing on.

How To Find Your Soulmate... Kind Of.

I’ve never actually used a pick up line. I suppose I am what you call a friend-zone ninja. I come out of the shadows and stumble around in the hallways of your heart for awhile until I trip on a lamp cord and smash your favorite vase. At which point we both realize I have been here all along and we move right into crazy monkey sex. It’s not the most glamorous of methods but when I stray away from waiting for love to fall into my lap I always end up in situation like “the ex.” My God that was an awful experience. I had never actually used the words crackhead and heathen in the same sentence before her. Hard to believe. I know.


But there were a few lessons to be learned from that experience. First and foremost, if she looks like she’s been on a 3 day coke binge she probably was. And secondly, attraction and intellectual stimulation are two very different things. Unfortunately that is never really evident until it’s too late.

So how then do we as men (and those who watch Jersey Shore) make this distinction? That’s not really up to us. I mean, you COULD stay home on Saturday nights and hide behind the premise of saving yourself for the right one. But let’s face it, rubbing one out to some dumb ass blonde doing the pretzel on Bang Bus isn’t really the scenario any woman wants playing out while fate is slowly bringing you two love birds together. Imposing an unofficial house arrest on yourself is a slippery slope indeed my friends. Before you know it , you will find yourself sitting in front of your computer screen at 3 in the morning after a 7 hour session of World of Warcraft picking your nose with the “clean part” of yesterdays sock because it somehow feels more dignified than just sticking your finger up there and wiping it on your “sleeping pants.” Sure you aren’t spending money on drinks and you aren’t going through the motions of an ultimately meaningless relationship resulting in the waste of another year of your life putting you on the wrong side of thirty with no kids and no one to wash your booger socks. It’s totally worth it right?

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that women hold all the cards when playing the “looking for something that will last” game and we have nurtured that monopoly since the day we first stepped foot into a nightclub. What’s even more unfortunate is that when you really are in a place where you are ready to settle down and diddle only one person you have the horrible challenge of competing with guys who are absolutely not looking for anything but do a damn good job of pretending otherwise.

Do you then just give up? I mean, who WOULDN’T want a level 75 Mage with a flying unicorn and a magic wand of +100 stamina?! No. The truth is it’s a crap shoot. The same way that woman you just KNOW you would be perfect for is dating some ass hat who doesn’t know the difference between Rome and Athens because she has no choice but to throw her darts and hope she hits a bulls eye at some point before she hits 35. After that it’s pretty much a free for all on both sides of the gender wall and works on a first come first serve basis. (I am sourcing that information to Shayne’s Nightclub on FM 1960.)

The point I am making is sitting and waiting will get you nowhere. There is absolutely nothing working in your favor and sitting on your hands is an idiotic plan of action. There will never be a magic solution to finding your soulmate. You just very simply have to stand up and tell someone how you feel. I'm not saying tell someone you could see yourself married to them. HOLY SHIT DON'T DO THAT. But throw your darts out homie. You'll never find someone if you don't know how to make an awkward situation even more awkward and still come out on top. If they give you a chance, great. If they make a strange face and come up with an excuse it's perfectly ok to go all Buffalo Bill all over their ass. (That's not true.) If the woman you were “waiting” on hooked up with someone else... oh well, move on. If some woman in the grocery takes your breath away and you would like to get to know her... do it. If you find yourself unable to bare the thought of a life watching your female friend cry over other guys... maybe it’s time you stopped hiding behind archaic assumptions of what does and does not work. Love is a risk and playing it safe is a pathetic attempt at making something poetic out of something as mundane and bland as uncooked spaghetti. I wont lie, I’m not real big on approaching someone unless they give me a sign. I’ve been head over heels for someone and just let them walk right by and into someone else because while I’m all about taking a girl home from the bar, I’m not so good with putting my heart on my sleeve and hoping someone is careful with it. That usually ends with me in a couchless apartment staring out the window with an odd sense of calm as I watch them take the headlights out of my car with a 9 iron.

One day I’ll be able to follow my own advice. Until then I’ll see you guys Tuesday for the raid on Ragnaros. I’ll be bringing my Warlock.