I’ve never actually used a pick up line. I suppose I am what you call a friend-zone ninja. I come out of the shadows and stumble around in the hallways of your heart for awhile until I trip on a lamp cord and smash your favorite vase. At which point we both realize I have been here all along and we move right into crazy monkey sex. It’s not the most glamorous of methods but when I stray away from waiting for love to fall into my lap I always end up in situation like “the ex.” My God that was an awful experience. I had never actually used the words crackhead and heathen in the same sentence before her. Hard to believe. I know.
But there were a few lessons to be learned from that experience. First and foremost, if she looks like she’s been on a 3 day coke binge she probably was. And secondly, attraction and intellectual stimulation are two very different things. Unfortunately that is never really evident until it’s too late.
So how then do we as men (and those who watch Jersey Shore) make this distinction? That’s not really up to us. I mean, you COULD stay home on Saturday nights and hide behind the premise of saving yourself for the right one. But let’s face it, rubbing one out to some dumb ass blonde doing the pretzel on Bang Bus isn’t really the scenario any woman wants playing out while fate is slowly bringing you two love birds together. Imposing an unofficial house arrest on yourself is a slippery slope indeed my friends. Before you know it , you will find yourself sitting in front of your computer screen at 3 in the morning after a 7 hour session of World of Warcraft picking your nose with the “clean part” of yesterdays sock because it somehow feels more dignified than just sticking your finger up there and wiping it on your “sleeping pants.” Sure you aren’t spending money on drinks and you aren’t going through the motions of an ultimately meaningless relationship resulting in the waste of another year of your life putting you on the wrong side of thirty with no kids and no one to wash your booger socks. It’s totally worth it right?
The unfortunate fact of the matter is that women hold all the cards when playing the “looking for something that will last” game and we have nurtured that monopoly since the day we first stepped foot into a nightclub. What’s even more unfortunate is that when you really are in a place where you are ready to settle down and diddle only one person you have the horrible challenge of competing with guys who are absolutely not looking for anything but do a damn good job of pretending otherwise.
Do you then just give up? I mean, who WOULDN’T want a level 75 Mage with a flying unicorn and a magic wand of +100 stamina?! No. The truth is it’s a crap shoot. The same way that woman you just KNOW you would be perfect for is dating some ass hat who doesn’t know the difference between Rome and Athens because she has no choice but to throw her darts and hope she hits a bulls eye at some point before she hits 35. After that it’s pretty much a free for all on both sides of the gender wall and works on a first come first serve basis. (I am sourcing that information to Shayne’s Nightclub on FM 1960.)
The point I am making is sitting and waiting will get you nowhere. There is absolutely nothing working in your favor and sitting on your hands is an idiotic plan of action. There will never be a magic solution to finding your soulmate. You just very simply have to stand up and tell someone how you feel. I'm not saying tell someone you could see yourself married to them. HOLY SHIT DON'T DO THAT. But throw your darts out homie. You'll never find someone if you don't know how to make an awkward situation even more awkward and still come out on top. If they give you a chance, great. If they make a strange face and come up with an excuse it's perfectly ok to go all Buffalo Bill all over their ass. (That's not true.) If the woman you were “waiting” on hooked up with someone else... oh well, move on. If some woman in the grocery takes your breath away and you would like to get to know her... do it. If you find yourself unable to bare the thought of a life watching your female friend cry over other guys... maybe it’s time you stopped hiding behind archaic assumptions of what does and does not work. Love is a risk and playing it safe is a pathetic attempt at making something poetic out of something as mundane and bland as uncooked spaghetti. I wont lie, I’m not real big on approaching someone unless they give me a sign. I’ve been head over heels for someone and just let them walk right by and into someone else because while I’m all about taking a girl home from the bar, I’m not so good with putting my heart on my sleeve and hoping someone is careful with it. That usually ends with me in a couchless apartment staring out the window with an odd sense of calm as I watch them take the headlights out of my car with a 9 iron.
One day I’ll be able to follow my own advice. Until then I’ll see you guys Tuesday for the raid on Ragnaros. I’ll be bringing my Warlock.
