Saturday Night Conversations.

Here it is man. I told you I would post it. Classic. 

There can be no introduction this. There are no words to describe the awesomeness. There is no under current of a lesson learned. There is no closing paragraph to leave the reader with a sense of (compassion, joy, etc.) This is simply the unedited conversation between my friend and I. The only set up I can offer is we started at Bronx Bar in Rice Village. I am in bold.


"Man we just have different tastes in women."
"Yeah... I like em to look good." 
"Whatever, you're just too damn picky."
"You do realize we don't HAVE to scrape the bottom of the barrel, right?"
"I'm not scraping the barrel I just don't have the patience tonight."
"So you'll go home with Gorilla Jane over there?"
"Jesus."
"Yeah you would."
"Fuck it. Yeah."
"I bet she's a silver back too. That's hardcore right there."
"So you're telling me you would rather go home alone than just hook up."
"Standards my friend. Standards."
"Ok so those two at 3 o'clock. They've been staring at you since we got here."
"Too far."
"...what?"
"What if she's stupid? Then I walked all the way over there to hear some stupid shit."
"I don't know what to say."
"Where the hell did Pink Panther go?"

And that was an actual conversation from my Saturday night.

The conversations my friends and I have in between dosing ourselves with copious amounts of alcohol and dancing with random women to songs that we wouldn't be caught dead listening to anywhere else are simply the best conversations in the world. You ladies thought you had meaningful discussions? Negative. Nothing is more insightful than what you just read above. This is top secret guy stuff right here. From taste in women to discussing the reasons why aluminum foil doesn't get hot in the oven, our conversations go so deep at times it feels like Oprah is right there at the bar. We even had a conversation revolving around mental telepathy:

"Those four behind you."
"Hey. I'm Muden." 
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah visiting from Mexico or Puerto Rico or some shit blah blah blah works at a hospital blah blah blah sure what hotel are you guys at blah blah blah only two rooms you say blah blah blah you are from the Dominican Republic? blah blah blah why would I be named modem? blah blah blah lets go across the street. 

So this is the defining moment in any pre-one nighter situation. The moment where after all the flirting and playful caresses the involved parties move to a different location. Serious business. The ladies always group up for a moment to discuss "things" and the guys hang back a second to pay the tab and in my world, have this conversation right here:

"Dude! I told you I wanted the Dominican one!"
"I'm sorry man I forgot to put on my chastity belt."
"Fuck it. Does the tall one look good."
"With or without heals?"
"With." Thoughtful pause. "Without. I don't fucking know she's the tall one now."
"Word."
"Why would you ask that?"
"Sorry this girl behind me thinks I'm with her party so she has been handing me shots all night."
"Haha! So let's switch."
"Alright whatever."
"You sure?"
"I don't at all care."
"So your standards go as far as is she hot or not."
"12 drinks in that's exactly as far as they go. Hurry up I have to pee again."


Fast forward 30 minutes to across the road at Baker Street. I switched to "the tall one" with the Selma Hayek accent after Mr. No Standards confessed that the Dominican one was so beautiful that she had his heart in her hands. Nothing beats drunken over expression. Nothing. But what follows is classic. Simply classic. 

"Will you just pick one?"
"Huh?"
"You have the Dominican girl dancing on you and you're talking to the tall one."
"You said you wanted the Dominican one! We switched! Go talk to her!"
"I meant mentally."
Long drunken pause. "Man what the fuck does that mean?!"
"I meant mentally switch."
"Holy shit you said it again!"
"I mean we switch mentally!"
"How does that make sense to you?!"
"I can't talk to her. She's into you."
"Want me to fart or something?"
"Could you?"
"I have been all night."
"What the fuck man! I've been breathing right next to you!"
"Now we're brothers for real."
"That's disgusting."
"Ok I just did it again. I'm wafting it over to her."
"God dammit!"
"You probably shouldn't be standing next to me."
"Well now it feels like I'm getting your fart girl."
"Look man, I'm going back to that hotel and you can either be with a hot fart girl or you can go find the silver back."
"Did you mark your ex with farts too?"
"No love and farts don't belong together."
"That was poetic."
"I have another one ready to go are we doing this or not?"