The Archetypes of Facebook

There is absolutely no shame on Facebook. For the the brief 10 seconds it takes to update your status, there is absolutely nothing standing between you and complete fucktardery. That being said, I have spent the past year doing a study on the archetypes of "Facebookers" and I have come to the conclusion that something has to be done to stop this madness. My research shows that these Facebookers can be placed, quite neatly, into 5 different categories.

THE FIVE ARCHETYPES OF FACEBOOK
1. The Vanilla Cowboy
2. The Misconstrued Social Beached Whale
3. The Horny Goat Boy
4. The Awssom Possum
5. The Rockstar

THE VANILLA COWBOY
The Vanilla Cowboy is most easily defined by a complete lack of any real sense of humor. In addition, it is literally impossible to read all the way through their updates without thinking to yourself, "Damn... this shit is boring." Sadly, the Vanilla Cowboy is almost always completely unaware of the mundane nature in which they conduct themselves. This results in an unfortunate amount of updates about being ready for a nap and/or being hungry. The most common response solicited by the Vanilla Cowboy is one of, "DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE." This bracket is separated from the "Misconstrued Social Beached Whale" by random posts, roughly one a quarter, confessing to the world that they got a little crazy and had TWO drinks while out with the girls. You naughty naughty girl. Curiously enough, my life seems somehow complete knowing that you are, in fact, ready for sleep.

THE MISCONSTRUED SOCIAL BEACHED WHALE
The Misconstrued Social Beached Whale (henceforth referred to as MSBW) is one of the most tragic stories ever told by Facebook. As the title suggests, this bracket is the precise opposite of a social butterfly. Completely unaware that no one cares, these individuals update their status to reflect EVERYTHING. This is not an exaggeration. It just simply does not stop. From , "I just woke up!" to describing their plans for the day. Somehow along the journey through life these individuals came under the impression that their lives are as interesting as that of Brad Pitt and Brittney Spears. It is impossible to discern what force drives these individuals to update their status so carelessly. One would think the need to mate pushes the desire to publish such crap. However I am convinced that it is a desire for social validation. The next grouping of Facebookers is evidence of this.

THE HORNY GOAT BOY
The Horny Goat Boy is by far the closest equivalent to "bottom of the barrel" that one can achieve while perusing the interwebz. Most commonly found involved in a parasitic relationship with Misconstrued Beached Whales, the Horny Goat Boy feeds off of the hosts need for user comments and validation. The evidence supporting this theory is staggering. When a female MSBW publishes something completely insignificant such as, "Today I plan to get stuff done!" it is completely common to find a disturbing number of Horny Goat Boys leaving comments such as, "Go you! I like getting stuff done too!" Translated from Man-English this reads, "I want to bang you." The Horny Goat Boy can also be defined as "That Guy" in that they more often than not have shirtless pictures of themselves somewhere on their page that are taken in a bathroom. When dealing with a Horny Goat Boy it is important to remember that they have no real personalities and when confronted with others of their kind they will pop their collars in an almost flatulent display of girly-manliness.

THE AWSSOM POSSUM
The Awssom Possum is, without a doubt, who you want to read about. These individuals have a talent for making everything entertaining. From quoting funny TV shows to posting completely ridiculous photographs, the Awssom Possum knows how to turn a frown upside-down. Often referred to as the "Smart Ass" this bracket is most commonly associated with witty banter and playful insults. It is extremely rare to see an Awssom Possum publish something mundane about their day. This is because they have a profound understanding of how little anyone else cares. Aside from the Horny Goat Boy of course. There is a single word that can be used to describe this group. "Win." The Awssom Possum is a bracket that is often found with, if not mated with, the next archetype.

THE ROCKSTAR
The Rockstar is a tricky archetype to assign. One does not become a Rockstar by simply drinking copious amounts of alcohol. On the contrary, the Rockstar is defined by posts that quite literally make you think to yourself, "WTF?" Adversely, the Rockstar is often found asking, "Did that just happen?" Classically, this archetype is the profound opposite of the Vanilla Cowboy. Every so often we find that the Rockstar will delete his/her incriminating photographs in an attempt to "clean up his/her act." This is futile of course in that while we all want the money, the booze and the women... the Rockstar wants the whole lot. It is inevitable that the shenanigans will bubble their way back to the surface as the Rockstar does not choose the situations, the situations choose the Rockstar. It is a classic "Chuck Norris" scenario. Rockstars are inherently irritated by Vanilla Cowboys and Horny Goat Boys are often found trying to mimic them. Furthermore, the Rockstar is easily identified by posts that include sweeping generalizations and opinions that are without a doubt, epic in their insulting nature.