The Dating Timeline Prequel!

Hello ladies. My name is Muden and I am looking for a lasting relationship that will allow us both to grow together as we enjoy just being together. That being said, meeting someone who stimulates me both intellectually and sexually has been a thorny experience at best. This is a genuine conundrum, as I am positive I have mastered "the approach." However, I am always open to ways to improve my already flawless method so I give you now "The Hamburgler Approach" to meeting women.

First: I pull up to the valet in the Lexus IS350 before stepping out in a lavish display of shiny black shoes and 300 dollar shirts. Much like a peacock. A man peacock... or mancock if you will. I could have brought the Jag but that would require me putting gas into it and I have to save all my money for tomorrow when I am regretting the amount I spent on drinks. I hand the valet my keys, deliberately making eye contact (to show that I am a nice guy) and then I walk into the club. I do not wait in line. Muden never waits in line. This is because I do not know how to look cool standing in a line so I get there early.

Second: As I cross the threshold between humid Houston and shrink your nipples cold I scan the place dramatically as I check the time on one of my super fancy, see-through watches that always match the shirt I am wearing. I step up to the bar and contemplate, very seriously, about flirting with the bartender all night. Instead I go with a vodka tonic, but I know I will revisit "plan B" next week.

Third: The club fills up and I scan the crowd for a beautiful woman wearing something classy. I am not a big fan of the super mini skirt women who flirt with any guys who smiles at them, although in retrospect that would probably be my best bet. I approach said woman and the conversation goes something like this:

Hey.
Hi.
My name is Muden.
Mudding?
No. Muden.
Mud den?
Moo den.
Modem?
No. Fuck it. Yes. My name is Modem.

At this point you will ask if I would like to dance and I will say yes, I would like to dance. Lucky for me I have already had 5 vodka tonics and all inhibition has gone right the hell out the window. You pull me close and move your body in a very seductive manner. Meanwhile, on my side of the tracks, I tell my brain that I would like to move like Usher. My brain relays this message to my limbs and each of them violently interprets it differently. It is a tragic truth, but one I am equipped to deal with. Luckily I thought ahead of time and brought the car with more gas so that I can buy you more drinks so that you forget the horrific seizure like movements that you were just exposed to.

Fourth: We have a conversation about something that only you will remember. Two years from now you will ask if I remember the first thing we discussed and I will only remember that I spent that entire time trying to remember your name. You tell me what you do and list your hobbies and skills before asking me the same questions. At this point I show you my very unique skill of saying nothing at all but making it sound like I am telling you everything. This is because nobody knows what I do and my greatest talent is my ability of not-getting-arrested-ness.

Fifth: I am now 5 vodka tonics and 4 vodka redbulls in. I am trying, so amazingly hard, not to stumble around as you continue speaking about... stuff. Also, I have to pee like you wont believe. This makes it very hard to be the attentive man that I was an hour ago, so I stuff more drinks down your throat before we kiss for the first time in a drunken stupor. I walk you to your car, and that is the end.

Sixth: I get to my car and scroll through the numbers to find yours. I cannot find anything new aside from where T9 threw up and the result was "Jenoiafsr." If the final 30 minutes of our night seemed rushed, I apologize. But do not worry Jenoiafsr, Modem will call you on Monday.

If anyone sees any place for improvement in my already awesome method, please feel free to let me know. Also, if you never see the car again it is in the shop. Always. If you would like to know how the rest of our relationship will be, please refer to the original dating timeline from July.