It's not Gora's in rice burners who own all the Fast and Furious movies.
It's roaches.
Evil sadistic carnivorous bastards.
First let's clear the air of a few myths. 1) Roaches do not eat people. This is false. Roaches have huge fucking teeth and once they take flight in that nasty goddam way nasty creepy fuckers... they fly AT you. THEY ARE GOING TO EAT YOUR FACE. 2) Roaches help the ecosystem by eating carrion and other trash that would otherwise decompose into nastiness. This is also false. Roaches are born from everything evil. They are little carwling spawns of death and when 30 of them combine their powers they form Satan. 3) Roaches are easily killed with Raid roach spray. Could not be anymore false. Anyone who believes this has clearly not encountered Houston's lovely 10" long tree roaches of death. Those little bastards take half a can and then they still wanna run at you to exact revenge. I once sprayed one non stop for 10 seconds and the little fucker still made it up my shoe before I kicked him off and screamed like a gir... man. I screamed like a manly man. It was a lumberjack scream. More of a yell really.
Now that you know the real agenda of roaches we can discuss how they go about fulfilling their little missions from Hell. When it rains, roaches come out to play. When its hot, roaches come out to play. When there is fucking oxygen in the air, roaches come out to spread their evil. If you live in Houston you have encountered death and no doubt you bare the scars to prove it. I once knew a guy who lived in a houston so infested with roaches I once woke up with one crawling on my leg.
HE WAS GOING TO EAT ME.
FUCK.
THAT.
I no longer speak with this individual. I was violated that night and I do not think I can ever be his friend again.
The constant presence of roaches in undeniable and something of a "part of life" here in Houston. So what then, Kaleem, inspired you to let the world know just how evil these little bastards are? I'll tell you what happened.
I will share with you this thorn from my lap of memories and with the blood it draws from my thumb I hope to illustrate the importance of KILLING THEM ALL.
I went on a mini vacation to Paris not long ago. Obviously, I flew there. On a side note, air planes are one of the few bastions we have left in the battle against roaches. Another place being my home. You can bet your ass I am roach proof to the extreme. I exterminate once every two months without fail. So help me god if I ever had a roach encounter in my own home I would break down and die.
Back to the point, I parked my car in a buddies garage, windows down, and had him drive me to the airport.
Almost, what, 4 months later? I am at work today and we decide, "Arbys!" (until the 16th you buy a drink and get a free sammich!) and so I pull my car around and in hop 3 co workers. I do not look at my back seats. Ever. Much less lift up the floor mats back there. One guy gets in and knocks the mat out of place and BLAMMO! there is a dead spawn of satan staring at me.
HOLY SHIT FUCK ME DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD THAT LITTLE BASTARD TOUCHED ME WHILE I WAS DRIVING?
His mission was to kill me. I am positive. He left behind a little note with my description on it. He knew his mark!
I did not eat lunch today. I am still tramuatized by my brush with death. Seriously holy shit what if that thing started crawling around when I was driving. Ohhhhhhhhhhh my god I would have taken out a few cars in my frantic attempt to pull over in the middle of 59 going 80.
I called my "buddy" on the way back to work and told him we couldn't be friends anymore and that he should move.
