The Dating Timeline

My name is Muden. I am looking for a nice woman to start a beautiful long term relationship with. To prove to you that I am ready for such an endeavor and not new to the game I have included a timeline of how our trip into bliss will most likely pan out.

First: We meet someplace trendy for a first date. Maybe an upscale sushi joint or a hole in the wall piano bar. We will discuss our likes and dislikes, careful not to admit to anything of either category that could in anyway be meaningful or revealing. For example, I confess to my hatred of "bad people" and leave my burning hatred of Saturn drivers at home. I don't go on my rant questioning how someone actually makes a decision to buy a Saturn. I do not express how dent proof doors are infact nice... or you could just not throw shit at your doors. You will ask if I like outdoorsy events like camping, hiking, boating, etc. and I will say I do even though the closest thing I have ever done to camping is when I ate of bunch of acid and then buried myself in the bushes in my backyard so I could "sort things out."

Second: Luckily, we find eachother attractive enough to exchange phone numbers. From there you will go home to study or to work and I will say that I am off to do something noble like donating blood. This is to impress you. Ofcourse, by "blood" I mean "pee" and by "donating" I mean "giving it to them wether they want it or not" and by "them" I mean "my boss's dog."

Third: We will go on a few more dates and you will meet my friends and I will meet your friends. One of your friends will say I look familiar and I will insist she is mistaken even though I know for a fact that we met a few months ago as I was running down the street after stealing a haircut from Sport Clips.

Fourth: We begin having sex on a regular basis. It will be remarkable due in large to the fact that we are both passionate, sexy people. But then I will try to incorporate some sort of strange foreplay involving either your ass or beads... or both. When you call me out on it, I will insist that I was joking even though I was not and truth be told I am thinking about putting stuff in your ass for the better part of my day.

Fifth: Our comfort level is now to the point where we each have a key to the others apartment. You will come home early one day and be shocked to find me on your couch masturbating to "The Golden Girls." I will apologize and tell you that I had been masturbating to the show before this and by the time the new show started I was already "in the zone." later you will look at the TV Guide and realize the show that is on before "The Golden Girls" is "Unsolved Mysteries."

Sixth: You will eventually grow tired of how emotionally distant I have become and I will grow tired of how you never do the things you said you love to do. Sure, we never went hiking together, but you swore you liked to cook and were a very clean person. If I, the couch yank cranker, have cleaner habits than you... we have a problem. You will begin to attack me with petty insulting comments under your breath and tell me that my pillows are disgusting. "They look like you let a homeless man pee on them." To which I will be thinking, "Only your pillow sweetie... only yours." Despite knowing that no matter how much you get under my skin you always sleep in bum pee, I will be more wrapped in wondering how you knew it was bum pee.

Seventh: We will finally break up after a loud shouting match that will eventually end in a scenario where I am standing inside of my apartment, minus the couches, staring down at you through the window, clad in your bathrobe and sipping coffee with a strange sense of calm as you destroy my hooptie with a 9-Iron.


If this sounds like the kind of real relationship you are interested in, please shoot me an email! Just let me know what time I should pick you up. Also, the hooptie is a rental while my Mercedes is in the shop so don't be alarmed.

- Muden